


Poison Him, Poison Him (What are words for, anyways?)

by Cas_203



Category: Harry Styles (Musician), One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: 2017, Angst, Breakdown (implied/mentioned), Harry doesn't know how to do emotions, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Problems (Implied/mentioned), Zayn doesn't either, cursing, death (mentioned) - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 10:24:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12769053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cas_203/pseuds/Cas_203
Summary: "Let's not do this here, yeah?" Zayn speaks calmly, and Harry wonders why he's acting like everything's so normal when it really isn't.It's weird when they meet.Or: There's a party in Las Vegas. Harry goes and, naturally, Zayn happens to be there. Words are exchanged, some they mean and some they don't, but they can both agree on one thing:It was never meant to happen like this.





	Poison Him, Poison Him (What are words for, anyways?)

**Author's Note:**

> This just came to like a brain wave- it took me a few hours to write but it was fun! As always, my lovely pineapples, take note of the tags. Your health is much more important than this little story. Let me know if I miss any, as well.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own One Direction or Harry Styles or Zayn Malik or any of the people mentioned. I wouldn't be writing fic's about them if I did!
> 
> Just wanna say, nothing any character says or does represents my real idea of what might have happened or what kind of people they are. I love all the boys equally and do not blame a single on for anything- they're all human.
> 
> The song credit goes to The Nighbourhood, for 'You Get Me So High.'
> 
> Enjoy!

_**Hope you don't regret it** _  
_**I pushed a lot back but I can't forget it** _  
_**We never got the credit** _  
_**Nobody seemed to hear us but we said it** _

  
It's weird when they meet.

Harry's wearing a tailored, fitting black shirt with a red, double breasted suit jacket over it and some slim, black pants. His hands are covered in the rings he never went without anymore and he's talking to Demi Lovato, hands gesticulating wildly and a charming grin planted on his face as he speaks.

Other people mill about, bopping their heads lightly and mixing with other high-profile people they knew about but didn't really _know_. Honestly, Harry isn't sure why he came to what this party is- Irving Azoff just told him it would be good to be seen with all the other big artists, letting loose and having fun for once.

Apparently, this will make him seem more human while expanding his status in Hollywood.

Demi excuses herself on his second drink of some non-alcoholic concoction when she sees Selena Gomez, and Harry wanders off, set on finding someone to talk to and not seem like a total loner.

That's when Harry bumps into him. Or, really- as Harry would recount to Niall later- that's when he bumps into Harry.

He's wearing an all black suit with a lined black and white button-up underneath- nearly halfway open and definitely an idea copied from Harry himself- looking exactly like the rebel he always had pretended to be. _Except_ , Harry muses, _it stopped being pretend_ _and all became who he was by the time he turned nineteen-ish_. He's got some light stubble going on, and as he takes a step back after seeing who he's ran into Harry thinks that he's gonna walk off, ignore him, but he can't let that happen.

"I- what- Zayn?" And, really, Harry shouldn't be saying his name like a question because he bloody well knows who it is, but right now he's feeling five foot tall and not sure if what he's doing is alright, if it's okay.

"Let's not do this here, yeah?" Zayn speaks calmly, and then Harry wonders why he's acting like everything is so normal when it really isn't as he nods in agreement, following the boy- _man_ , _it_ _was_ _man_ _now_ \- through some hidden back door that _of course_ he knew about and doing a quick once over when they're outside, because as much as Harry loves his fans and wants to be as truthful as he can he feels as if he's about to cry any second and this- this is not something that they're allowed to see.

When he finds the area empty, he turns around to where Zayn stands all chill-like and nearly explodes then and there, but his voice seems to betray him and all that he can manage out is a whisper of, " 'I never really spoke to him' is what you said. 'Didn't really expect a relationship with him,'"

Zayn is quick to shoot back, as if he expected Harry to start off bitter, "Don't you hold that against me. I'm not the only one who said things they didn't mean," His voice is like ice, and as Harry remembers all the times he played off answering questions about Zayn with some unneeded comment like 'The paperwork', he wishes that he knew how to make enough heat to melt it off.

"I was sorry. You were supposed to know that," Zayn scoffs at his words and Harry again tries to remember where they went wrong, what the hell happened to them.

"Was I?" And he takes a step closer to the younger boy ( _man_ , _he's_   _a man_ ), "How?"

Harry doesn't say anything.

"We both messed up, mate," somehow, Zayn's voice is softer- Harry thinks it makes sense that he's tired of all this too.

Harry accepts it, because Zayn used to be his friend, his brother, and he deserves him being honest, "We did, we messed up big." And because he can't help himself, "I.. I miss it. Us. We used to always know what to do, what to say and how to say it,"

Zayn waits a moment before replying, his head tilting to the left just slightly as he nodded, "I missed it too, but we're both stubborn bastards. We left fixing it too late,"

In an attempt to deflect, in an attempt to avoid acknowledging his statement because that can't be true, Harry can't imagine him and Zayn never rekindling, never going back to that place where they were more than just colleagues, he says the says the first thing that comes to his mind, "This is weird."

Zayn laughs, "No shit. Go a few years without talking to your best mate and that happens, Harry," He cracks a small smile, and essentially repeats himself. Maybe he doesn't mean that they can't be fixed- or maybe he just wants Harry to believe in that enough for the both of them , "Wasted a whole lotta time, didn't we?"

Harry finds it in himself to meet Zayn's eyes, to nod and say "Yeah... We did," His eyes are clearing up a little, no tears fallen and none threatening to fall, and he congratulates himself internally before remembering- "Congratulations, by the way! You and Gigi's two year anniversary of being together a few weeks ago, wasn't it?"

Zayn smiles wider, the smile that he never let out in front of cameras and only when it was the five of them or his family. The smile that Harry came to realise meant trust.

"Yeah, yeah it was. Thanks," his eyes go suddenly somber, and Zayn's hand comes to wipe at his mouth before he speaks, "I'm sorry 'bout- I'm sorry about Robin. Shitty of me not to say anything before,"

There's a part of Harry that nearly runs away then and there, because he isn't ready to admit how he spent the first few days after his step-dad's death in haze; pretending not to care when Louis and Liam and Niall called him up and let him cry, pretending not to care when they let him break the facade he'd been trying so hard to keep for his mum and sister and step-siblings. He's not ready to admit that he also pretended not to care about the fact that Zayn's presence was the only one blatantly missing.

He's done with running away, though, so because he's a horrible person he purses his lips and then swallows, letting out a, "Was it selfish of me to assume that it would be the thing that made you remember me?"

Zayn doesn't sugarcoat it, real and straight to the point like he always was, "Yeah." A sigh, " But you were allowed to be selfish."

Harry opens his mouth to say something else,  a 'sorry' because he said that often, but Zayn cuts him off.

"And I didn't, alright? I didn't forget about you, Haz," the nickname feels like a friendly tackle.

  
"I know," it isn't enough,vit couldn't be enough but Harry tries anyways, "God, I know. Liam was there, Zayn, telling me about how you were sorry and how you were too hesitant to fix whatever this is, whatever we are, so I know you didn't forget me. I know whatever happened wasn't entirely your fault because I could've called you, too. It was a two way- or, back then, five way- street." Harry lets it out in a rush, suddenly feeling too hot with shame and anxiety as he unbuttons his jacket while talking, refusing to acknowledge the fact that this is happening and is real and is _now_.

"I figured it would happen like it did with the rest of the boys. I figured we'd fall back together like I did with, I dunno, Louis," He doesn't know why he says it, but maybe Zayn is just trying to make sure that Harry knows he never meant for this chasm to open up between them.

"What, by beating around the bush like you two inevitably did? C'mon, Zayn, we were never like that." It's Harry laughing now, but it's slightly forced.

"No, actually. He called me up and cursed me out while drunk and I called him up and cursed him out while sober. _Then_ , we met up and beat around the bush; it was better than acknowledging what we'd done to each other," Zayn speaks the words casually, as if he was talking about his single and not of his mistakes and his ramifications.

It makes Harry livid.

"You did nothing to me," Harry spits the words out, sudden white-hot anger bubbling forward.

Zayn waits a moment before replying, careful yet emotionless, "Didn't I?"

"See, that was your problem. You put up this- this cool mask as if you don't give a damn and you expected us to see something was wrong. Zayn, you should have let us in!" His voice has gotten louder, and when Harry speaks he feels everything inside him he tried to hide leak out.

"No- No, Harry. If hiding away, acting like you don't give a damn was anyone's problem, it was yours! I left telling you boys I was leaving so late because I thought I knew enough about you to see that you'd stop me, but then what did you go and do? You stood by and didn't say a word. I didn't say anything to anyone because anything you could have said would have never changed my decision, but I still expected you to try!" Zayn takes a step closer, and Harry instinctively takes a step back. Confrontation wasn't what he had in mind, and he's sure that's not what Zayn had in mind.

"I was afraid. I was afraid because I didn't know who you were anymore- I don't know who you are. Anyone who tried to get a word in, you blew them off, Zayn!" Harry's suddenly remembering things he'd locked away: curses and insults thrown carelessly back and forth between Zayn and the other boys; the way he'd stood to the side trying to think of something to say but had felt frozen, a mantra of _'wheredidwegowrongwheredidwegowrong?_ ' flashing like lightning through his mind; the hotel room deathly silent after Zayn had walked out; the way that Niall had broken down in tears and Louis had fallen on to the couch and Liam had punched the door frame.

"You don't get to use that excuse," Zayn's eyes have grown dark with anger as he points a finger straight to Harry's chest. "You don't get to use that excuse, because what did you have to be afraid of? The fact that, with one person gone, you could only gain more attention? The fact that, with one less person to worry about, you could take over the spotlight even more? Congratulations, Harry! Now, you don't even have the other four boys to worry about as you take over the world!"

  
"What the hell, Zayn?" Harry flounders for a moment, shock running through his body at the things Zayn said, "What the hell? I never asked for that much attention- I never wanted that! I would've been willing to give away everything I had if it meant we all stayed okay! You were just too goddamn blind to see that, weren't you?" He sees Zayn swallow at his words, resolutely holding back emotion, and Harry feels guilty for a moment, until he remembers all that Zayn had said and all that he had implied.

"... I was _sick_ , Hazza." And, yeah, Harry hears his voice crack.

"I know, and I'm sorry we didn't see," Harry doesn't hesitate with the words, because he really is sorry (doesn't think he will ever forgive himself). He's realised something in the times he's grown up, though. "But that doesn't- and will never- excuse the fact that you messed up. I've come to the conclusion that it was equally your responsibility as it was mine that we never fall apart."

"I'm sorry," It sounds like a plea, the way Zayn says the words, "Harry, I'm sorry I hurt you- but I did what I had to do. I just didn't realise what I did to you guys while trying to achieve-"

"No, don't say that. It wasn't you pursuing what you wanted that hurt me. That's- _are_ _you_ _stupid_? Zayn, I am honestly so proud of what you've achieved. It's just, I thought I meant enough to you that you would feel the same for what I did- that you'd be proud of me, instead of thinking all I was doing was for the fame. It wasn't, Zayn- I make music because it's something that I can't live without and I just thought you knew that."

Zayn doesn't say anything back.

Harry waits a moment, then he shakes his head slightly. Some tears escaping against his will and this feeling of sadness that makes him want to curl up under the covers and never come out settling inside him, he makes to go inside.

Zayn pulls through, "Harry,"

He turns around, his hand already circling the doorknob and his ears already registering the faint sound of Bebe and Louis's 'Back to You' pumping through the speakers, and Harry's pulled into a hug by Zayn.

"You fucked up," Harry whispers it into the other's neck, suddenly feeling exactly like he did the night Zayn walked out except now too jaded to feel afraid of what he wanted to say, and he feels the arms around his back tighten in response, "You fucked up and you left and you didn't say a word and I didn't see how you were feeling which means I fucked up and this is all weird and I want it to go back to what it was."

Zayn stays for a moment and then is the first to pull away, stepping back but keeping his hands on Harry's shoulders like a parent talking to a child (which is a weird comparison and one Harry immediately dismisses).

When he speaks, Zayn's words seem to feel true, "We both fucked up, yeah. But I think we can figure out a way to go back, someday."

Honestly, Harry doesn't want _someday_ because he wants _now_ , but he's not twenty anymore and he knows that miracles don't exist, so he nods. Zayn deserves his acceptance and much more, so Harry tries to believe him as well- he'll take someday if someday is all he gets.

 __ **I** **had all my motives  
I didn't know they wouldn't mix with your emotions  
I just had to reach my goals  
Never knew I needed you though**

**Author's Note:**

> Whew! I hope you liked that, guys. I worked hard on it, and this is unlike anything else I've ever written in this fandom. 
> 
> Let me know what y'all think, it really means so much to me to know people are enjoying what I put out here.
> 
>  
> 
> Keep loving,  
> Kas.


End file.
